It's not easy to say how a friendship begins. But I can tell you exactly how this one ended.
John (not his name) was a big bubbly confident guy. He was, probably still is, funny and good company. A man's man. A big, beer drinking, story-telling rugby-playing bear who was great fun to be with, totally without pretensions, and had a good line in fast one-liners. Laugh out loud funny. Coffee spraying funny. For a time, he was also Chairman of the business group I belonged to, and he was most entertaining.
During the pre- and post-meeting chat time, over coffee and the course of several (months of) weekly meetings, we started to tentatively get to know each other. We made each other laugh and gradually found out a little about our backgrounds. His was army, and now he was sales director for a local company. We bonded over business. He felt he wasn't getting anything out of the group, so I helped him explore the way he presented the company to the group, and his results improved. I found out that he had a son a similar age to mine (they were about 8 or 9 at the time), and a daughter. And his wife was a nursery nurse. The last time I saw him we agreed that we would get the boys together for a kick about. I suppose that what we were doing was cementing the fact that we were friends and moving it on to the next level and out of the business context. I was delighted. He seemed as involved with his kids as I am with mine, and I just knew it was going to work on all levels. I was looking forward to becoming close friends with John and his family.
I didn't think too much about it when he didn't show up at the weekly meeting the following Friday. By then he was no longer Chairman of the group. But when he also failed to show the following week questions began to be asked. The new Chairman reassured us that he knew about John and he was OK. It was a work issue and he'd be back among us soon enough, with his witty one-liners and booming laugh. The Chairman was in a very difficult position which he handled with exemplary skill and sensitivity.
I was disappointed. Business groups are not my idea of fun, but John's sense of mischief lent an air of rebellion. I enjoy someone else's rebellion, but I'm not the kind to start it. I was riding on his shirt tails and we had fun. Without him the meetings were turgid affairs.
I mailed John at work to find out what was up, but got no reply. So I rang the Chairman. I was suspicious of John's sudden withdrawal from the group and felt there was more to it. And all he would say to me was "you'll find out soon enough, but he won't be coming back". He would say nothing further.
Over a ham sandwich I was reading the local rag when a paragraph jumped out at me. John had been arrested on suspicion of downloading and keeping pornographic pictures of children.
A few days later my mobile range. It was John. He was abject. His case was due in court soon and he was asking me for a reference. I was angry, felt betrayed and not a little frightened. In my head I had tried him and found him guilty, and I wasn't sure what to do. In the end, the principle of innocent until proven guilty won me round and I gave him his reference. It was based entirely on the John I knew at the business group. Two weeks later his entered a guilty plea, was convicted and sentenced.
He has since tried to get in touch again. I have not taken up any of these opportunities, and they have stopped now. I know I should. He's been tried, punished and, under our moral code, should now be allowed to get on with his life without a stain on his character. But I can't. I still feel betrayed, and for a time I was very frightened by how close I came to allowing my son to get friendly with a family with this man at its head. I know that if the kids had got on I would have happily left my son at their home. And, yes, I know that almost certainly nothing would have happened. But.
Now? I feel desperately sorry for his children and his wife. I've learned how manipulative paedophiles can be. And I am lot more suspicious than I used to be.
13 comments:
I got a zeugma.
I thang gue
that's a bit scary, beep, whoever the guy is and whatever happened. . .
whatever the unasked and unanswered questions are somethings, are so taboo and so difficult to get one's head around and so difficult to accept objectively - let alone when one then finds someone one got to know in another guise is involved, and it might become subjective
(I was recently called a milf, and laughed it off - but found the idea quite revolting actually)
I love the way you write, I had such a sense of growing foreboding (impending doom) as I read down the post (thought he was going to have committed suicide actually); sadly, as I am so shallow, that's what I am concentrating on - how you wrote the post, not the content
sorry
but what on earth is a zeugma?
Aha - check out Grammar Puss
I think partially I felt such a bloody idiot. I trusted him becaesu I liked him, and that is no rationale for trust. The most succesful con merchants are successful because people like them. And that's how paedophiles operate among us.
I still have a sense of betrayal.
but if, as you say, there is no rationale for trust, how can you 'blame' yourself
christ, is there no rationale for trust? now you're really scaring me
I'm not saying that. I am saying only that liking someone is not a good rationale for trusting them.
We can be made to like people who are inherently untrustworthy.
NLP and other behavioural methodology (you read NS).
And the inherently untrustworthy have a strong motivation to make sure people like them: so they can reap their harvets, whatever it is.
so does that make untrustworthy people more attuned to the vaguaries of human nature than the rest of us, more able to play with our sense of moral/personal/social balance than we are aware of
what kind of chemical (or other) high (benefit) does this give them? for the brain to enable someone to do this knowingly, must mean that there is some greater 'benefit' to them in some way - because the danger of being found out comes at such a moral/social/personal price
I'm not referring to the sexual gratification a paed might experience, I mean 'untrustworthy' people in general. . . and their actions/gratifications
yes, I am sure there is an article on the NS website about this - I shall go off to investigate
someone somewhere probably did some research with apes or rats and has applied the results of that to humans
actually, there was an article along those lines this week - funny that - only I can't remember the details
wv: memory-like-a-sieve
yes, to your first, I think it does. And I don't suppose it is necessarily as complex as a chemical reactions, I suspect it much more base than that. Simply a survival thing. Salesmen do it - make us like them so we buy from them - and they operate within the social and moral code, con merchants do the same "selling" job but outside the moral code.
And paedophilia? I don;t know but presumably it is some kind of mental issue bought about by .... who knows what? But I do know that high (degree) level manipulation is involved.
The degree to which it appears to be happening (more in today's paper) does make me wonder if we shouldn't look at causes. Why is it so prevalent?
It's not a soley modern thing. I know of a case in WW2, but it does seem to be increasing at an alarming rate.
There was indeed a sense of foreboding as I read this post but had no inkling that the result would be as it was. Tough one, you must have been shocked and horrified to the core.
That's an excellent post beep and really unnerving. I can empathize with you on the shock and betrayal.
Probably the best way to forgive yourself for being sucked in and make a positive out of it is to learn more about these things and make sure your son understands about boundaries, safety, etc.
I read an excellent book called: Protecting the Gift; keeping children and teens safe. You might like to try it or another one like it. This author stresses a lot about listening to our instincts. Also, he talks about ways we inadvertently put kids in danger and how to stop doing that.
You're right Kyah - I do those things with my boy, and I hope he's clear, but you can't go on and on can you, in case you make them paranoid.
I think the problem I have is that my instincts were so awry. I had NO idea about this guy. And now of course I'm in a 2 and 8 because my wee boy is 12 and getting all internetty. He knows the rules though, and so far so good. I read a book about kids and the internet recently. Very handy, but I can't remeber its name. It was promoted in The Times.
I have worked with these bastards. They are horrifyingly normal when you meet them. The women they target because of their children are taken in completely again and again. I remember being really upset when I found out one particular man was an offender as he had seemed like your 'John'. Humm, maybe he WAS your 'John'.
Hi JJ, welcome.
I doubt it was him: have you ever worked in West Berks?
I feel utterly repulsed at one level, but on another I think it seems to be growing and is so prevalent now that we have to work out why. And then do something about it. Don't we? Shouldn't we?
They are manipulative and deceitful by the very nature of what they want to do. At one time I felt I could never trust anyone, and we all get individuals wrong from time to time. But they are the minority and sometimes we have to hang on to that knowledge. having said that I would personally see the lot of them castrated..but then of course, I have kids myself.
Sorry that is all on the incoherent side but I'm not at my logical best thinking about these abusers.
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