....well not if you've got kids anyway. *
Mine's 12 going on 17. And he hasn't cried for ages. Not when he broke his thumb (I don't think) or when he thought he'd broken a finger a week later. Nore when he sliced his foot open on the rocks in Wales. But today... ah yes, today I had to help him through an hour and a half of the most painful wracking sobbing. Why? Because he's going on hols with his Mum and won't see me for two and a bit weeks.
He has been looking forward to the Martin Johnson rugby school, which started today, for WEEKS. But yesterday it dawned on him that when he went there it was the beginning of his Mum holiday and he won't see me until Aug 29th. So he sobbed. And sobbed and sobbed, and he wouldn't go into the rugby school and ... oh, this morning was just awful. I got him in in the end, and he's there now, happy I am sure and enjoying the sunshine and exercise.
And you know - I know you do because I've whined many and oft here before - that I've been separated for more than half his life and divorced for almost as long. And we, he and I, should be used to this separation. After all, we do it every (fucking) Wednesday. And, as you know me quite well now, I'll tell you I still cry every single time. But always out of his sight. Just today it was for longer than usual.
And to anyone thinking about it here's the thing; it does not get any easier. Time does nothing to ease this particular burden of pain that I have to carry because of what I have done to his life. And our pain on separation is almost too hard for each of us to bear. It was today.
And in what, another three or four years he'll be through this stage? I could have stuck it out for ten years and he would not have had to endure the pain I saw today. It comes in every so often to remind me that my freedom came a hell of a price.
And, actually, is it really freedom?
* Obviously, if it's an abusive relationship GET OUT NOW.
4 comments:
Beep, I'm a non-parent and don't know what to say at all, I obviously have absolutely no comprehension of this at all but I couldn't read that and not comment. Sorry, no advice or help whatsoever, just a comment and useless patted hand.
Oh dear.
It might have been as bad in a different way if you had stuck it out? At least you are both aware of the pain and not keeping it shut away to leave scars of a hidden kind for years later.
I'm so sorry Beep.
oh beep. the guilt of putting your happiness ahead of your child's is a hell of a burden, isn't it? i know exactly how you feel. i console myself with how much healthier it is for small person to have a happy mummy than a weeping, angry person.
it hurts still.
Beep, I'm so sorry. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you.
As a non-parent I can't really comment from personal experience.
However, my best friend says that his parents divorcing was the best thing that could have happened. He'd rather have had happy seperate parents than miserable parents who stayed together.
I'm sure your son will understand that too, maybe not now but eventually.
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