M&S NEEDS ME

What is it with M&S? They say sales are growing, but as one reporter in The Times said, just because one favourite jumper is flying out of the shop doesn't mean the whole wardrobe is selling well. Recovery remains some way ahead.

And that's why they need me. I've got some ideas that could put them back at the top of the high street tree once again. I'll give Mr Rose, who heads up M&S, free access to them here, but I hope once they take note of these recommendations they will pay credit where it is due. Literally, if possible. Pay, I mean.

Knickers to M&S
Once they were the foundation of M&S's garments line, and now just trendy, thin and wanting.

Here's the solution: go back to a classics line. Study the archive and revolutionise your sales by giving the customers what they want. Recognise that customers age. Stop trying to forever appeal to the younger ones without staying loyal to your ageing ones too. Why on earth would a customer stay loyal to you if you can't be bothered with them and ditch them as soon as they reach 50, or 40, or even, dare I say, 32? Get a good, well-researched line in quality affordable underwear, including socks and so on and get the footfall up in those areas. If Debenhams, Asda and others can do it, what makes you so smart for not doing it?

Listen to the ladies of a certain age who lunch, because they've got so much time on their hands because they don't go to M&S anymore. Once, they all loved you. Now, they loathe you. They feel betrayed. With reason.

Lay it out right
Why would I want to walk into a shop where the layout confronts all known sense and logic? I've been in three M&S recently, and five in the last 12 months. They all make the same mistakes so I can only guess it's policy. Perhaps it was the recently resigned head of per una that insisted, but what a mess there is before you as you walk in.

And why, oh why, do all the stairs bring you out straight into the ladies undies dept? Now don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to wander through ladies underwear in all sorts of ways. At M&S I enjoy looking at the pictures of the lovely models in the skimpies, but my son is at that age when he's not. And he isn't the only one. It mortifies a certain age group of boys to have to even talk about girls, let alone be surrounded by photo's of scantily clad lovelies. So we end up having a father and son tussle because he doesn't even want to go to M&S beause he knows it means getting embarassed on a trip through the knickers and bras when he needs new jeans. So we don't: there's more than enough for a pre-teen to fight his Dad about than that. Don't give them extra cause. It's not necessary!

It may be trivial point, but I know we're not alone in avoiding M&S nowadays, and other parents concur when I broach the mortification topic. And there is the slight problem of their good clothes always being sold out and just rubbish left on the shelves, but that's another story.

And I also get the strong impression that ladies shopping for their knickers and bras are not always thrilled to have men and boys pushing through the lace filigree to reach the relative sancitity of denim.

If you're trying to catch 'em young Mr Rose, may I suggest something that's obviously escaped your attention: girls are put off by shoppers watching them choose their undies. They buy them for themselves and more intimate moments than M&S can offer. Shocking I know. I'm sorry to be so direct, but there it is.

Here's the solution: move the undies away from the route everyone else has to follow to menswear, kitchenalia or whatever. Give them some privacy. And while you're at it, tidy the mess that is the whole store, get it looking coherent and designed, and put the clothes out so we can actually see them. Why is most stuff displayed at groundlevel? How about some variety in height, and some clothes at eye level? Once again, see Asda, Debenhams and all those other stores that beat you to the customers every time.

So there you have it. Three ideas that will put M&S back on track. Or maybe every dog has its day, and M&S is beyond salvation. Sometimes I think that's the case. But I've got an idea on that too. Come and get me M&S. I could do with a decent salary.