Yesterday, I was forced to watch, for the first time, a programme called Child of Our Time, or something. I knew I wasn’t going to like it because it had Robert Winston at the helm. Sorry, I’ll rephrase that – it had the ubiquitous Robert Winston at the helm. I have nothing against him personally but he seems to be all over everything. Is it that TV execs are so desperate for new ideas that when the great Lord comes to them and says “I’ve been mulling over…” they interrupt and say ‘Yes, yes, yes’’ orgiastically?
The main premise was to see how a young girl coped with the parturient death of her twin and the subsequent arrivals of a sister and her parents divorce papers. Actually a rather interesting topic, but we soon tired of yelling “So we did a test” at the telly every time his Lordship said “We wondered how young Amy was coping with (insert issue here)”. After the first 87 times we stopped laughing.
But then Zam Baring (Zam Zam the voice-over man) said that two thirds of Dads lose touch with their children within two years.
When I see/hear statistics like this I feel slightly sick. I have 50:50 and would have much more. If I could have him here every moment of every day I would. But that would not be fair on him: he needs to see his mum.
I’m confused. Should I be up in arms at the feckless nature of men, or at women who prevent sensible access? I don’t accept the degree of blame that seems to be thrown at men. In a quick mental tot-up within my circle of separated and/or divorced aquaintances and friends, more often the women have been the non-cooperative one. Some of the men have got pissed off and give up, allowing these same women to say “see, I was right, he’s hopeless”.
And there’s a fair bit of “you go out to work so that you can hand over 20% (or more) of your income to us, which means you have to work long hours and may not be free to pick-up after school and so on, which is what I really want you to do so I don’t have to, so I’m going to make it as hard as I can for you to see your kid/s at a time to suit you. Oh is that another cheque? Thanks very much. Goodbye.”
Yes, some men are feckless and selfish – viz the ex of my OH - but so are many women (hear the howls an shrieks of derision and scorn in blogland. Scream on, it doesn’t mean I’m not right). I’d say it was about even. The sooner we move to 50:50 care as the starting point and a parent has to negotiate their way to less, the better.
Today is my son’s 12th birthday. At 08:14 on 23/2/1994 he emerged through the sun roof, and I held him in my hand. A tear of joy rolled down my cheek. But, because of the way our childcare pans out and half-terms and so on, this is the fourth year in a row when I have not been able to see him on the morning of his birthday. Nothing, absolutely nothing, beats waking-up with your son on his birthday. I may not have to pay maintenance but, every day that I wake up and he’s not here, I pay a much heavier price.
And do you know what? It was my choice. I could have had sole custody. But I chose 50:50 and forced it through. It was undoubtedly the right thing for him. But not for me.
Happy 12th my darling boy.
7 comments:
Not sure what to say but felt compelled to say something.
(having sat here with the comment box open for over five minutes, I think maybe I have finally worked out what I want to say)
as a parent myself, the most important thing that I can say is that I am glad for the both of you that you are enjoying today together
(there are other things that I know want to say too, but they are not the key thing)
except that we're not (together today). True I am going to see him at his mothers, leaving in about 5 mins, but around 9pm I shall have to leave him to go to bed. SO for the fifth time in a row I shalln't see his excitied face as he wakes up, nor put him to bed on his birthday. And he's the only one I've got, And he's only 9 10 11 and 12 once. Oh, and 13, and 14 and so on and on. The cruelty of fate is that when his birthday was early in the week we were together, now it's locked in the 2nd half of tghe week we're apart and it's hers.
I keep paying out.
I'm so sorry Beep, that you have to go through this.
Not been there myself but have watched youngest struggling with it (and her ex partner) and I know it hurts them both.
But you do the best you can for him and that has to be its own reward.
me and the ex have a pretty much 50:50. i don't like her spending so much time there as he never even bothers to give her a wash, but he is her father and she needs to see him so i rant about it in private and let it continue. poor small people, poor parents. it's a no-win situation - the best we can do is look to the future when the small people become larger people and can decide for themselves.
Oh, man. I've come to this a bit late, but couldn't leave without commenting. I really feel for you, mate.
Your post really reinforced to me that I must not forget how lucky I am; I mustn't forget even when my wife has been driven to tears by the children; when they scream 'I hate you' just because I'm insisting they do their homework. All the time, every time: at least they are there, with me, and it could all be so much worse.
I really hope that everything works out for you.
Hi Surly: My G/F's ex is like that. At least I know that when he goes to my ex she looks after him and loves him (in her way) and he is safe and warm and clean. I don't know if I could cope at all if it was otherwise. I feel for you, and didn't realise you were 50:50, I thought it was you with SP going on on alternate weekends.
And CwhatC - thank you. It was a bad week last week what with his birthday and all. In fact it will be 2010 (and his 15th) before he is here and wakes up at home with me on his birthday. It's a daunting thought. And sobering for anyone with kids I guess.
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