I'll freely admit to having problems with my OH's ex. And I'll equally admit that her problem with my problem is a problem. In her world, ideally we'd all live in a big house, my ex and her new chap, her ex and his several groupie types together with our four children. We'd all live in this fluffy la-la land loving one other (but hopefully not literally anymore) and the children would be blissful, and kind and sweet and presumably dressed in lovely hand knitted, hand dyed cotton, organic thingies and trailing their kites strings through sunny skies, and laughing and no one ever falls over, or out, and life is picture perfect.
But life.
It ain't like that in my book.
In my book it's hard graft.
And that means reality. Like the fact that really what happens is that her children typically ignore mine, and go 'into town' and meet old friends without taking any account of him, because he's not here as much as they are. And in my life the realities are that I left my ex because I didn't want to be with her full time anymore. And that remains germane. I haven't changed my mind back, and even if I had, presumably her views would come into it. I left her. And the OH left hers too. We both left for reasons other than each other. nd the key word there is left. If you want to be with someone a lot, don't leave!
So I have problems that she still wants him to be a close friend. Nay, her closest friend. She wants him to have a key to our house: to see his kids here, on our time, during our weekends, and she wants him to be able to come and go as he pleases. And I am, as the Americans may say, not comfortable with that.
There are reasons. Some of which are: it's up to him to sort his life out, not for us to compensate for his indolence. We have enough problems and we don't live for his convenience. If he wants to see his kids then he can make arrangements. It is not my problem that they did a DIY divorce that took almost 6 years and has no childcare arrangements with in it. I'm a dad, and I'm one that really really strongly believes in a kid having two parents, and though I could have had custody of mine, I fought my own solicitor to make sure his mother had 50:50 in the settlement. What seems to happen is that we nearly end up being a kind of convenience store for his parenting. I want him to see them, even if he's not your average dad, but.... can't be bothered to see them on Friday, or something more interesting comes up, like an available woman? Oh well, he'll just drift over on Saturday and eat his way through our fridge and chat to his ex. And the kids? They ignore him. One time he came over when we were out (grrrr), and we went to get the pudding for supper from the fridge and their youngest said "oh Dad ate that. He says mum hasn't made it for so long, he missed it'. Fuck me.
The other thing is a shade more delicate, but I shall put it this way: given his child-rearing history, there are no circumstance ever that I will allow him and my own child to be alone in the same room. I don't really like them being in the same house, but realise that that is obsessive. But alone? Even for a moment? Even by accident? I would rather die. And I am dead serious about that. Although I realise that if dead I would not be much protection for my son. So I probably won't.
Also, he was shit to his ex, the OH. He cheated on her several times, twice with their closest 'friends' wives, and the hurt and pain of that betrayal still lingers. They were, I believe, a fundamental reason for their marriage disintegrating. That and the child-rearing skills previously displayed.
Also, I think he's a twat. I have tried, really I have. But he and I, had we met in a pub and exchanged jovials over the bar would have both gone home and said 'I met this real twat in the pub today'. You can't force it.
It would, I suppose be easy to say there is something between them I don't believe there is: I see them together and it's not that. But it is this obligation she feels to be at his beck and call that I don't understand.
It's more that it is very very hard setting up home with three teenage children, one of whom has difficult behavioural problems, and one nearly teenager who are not all related, and have never lived together, when you yourself have a huge amount of baggage, as does your relationship. It's so hard that I think we have a responsibility to be as kind to each other as we can, and to give each other as much space as we can. And that means leaving as much baggage at the door as we can. Doesn't it? Including, I would have thought, our ex partners.
So if you're in my boat, or thinking or getting into one a bit similar, my very strong advice is this: be sure to leave your ex outside your new home. And double lock the door too. And be especially careful and considerate when it comes to Christmas. The effects of casting an ill-considered stone into the pond of life can make a big splash. And ripples ripple for a long time. Especially if the water was still to start with.
14 comments:
Is it his house? No. Is it yours? Yes. There must be ground rules.
No. it's ours. Bought last May, and a 'new start'. Ironic really.
I've missed your posts. And then you wrote a whole lot and I nearly missed them!
Golly I'd be screaming with rage by now! It sounds as though your OH has a bit of a problem. Maybe it's old fashioned but I like our home to have a boundary through which other people enter by invitation. And I wouldn't be at all happy not being able to say who was 'other'!
mig has it in a nutshell
boundaries
(and ground rules are a very good starting place, as Thursday points out)
physical, emotional, financial (like the cost of the supermarket shop that he might eat his way thru when he pops over), practical
look after your boundaries, beep, it's the only way forward
and (sadly?) being assertive - in this case - about healthy boundaries comes at a price
there ain't no such thing as a free lunch
really, there isn't
if they are not established now, seeing as you give the impression they weren't at the start, you need to get some in place for this to work out
lecture over
I know you know this
(and I know - I'm a fine one to talk; NOT)
Ah yes, ILTV, this is part of the problem. They were established, but they had to be imposed. In other words they were not supported by OH who agreed begrudgingly and after much lengthy repetitive debate which was only ended by final putting down of foot. It seems that these imposed boundaries are have been eroded, back to what she is comfortable with, which, as I said, is where the problem lies. A difference of opinion. I am meek, and mild, until roused, and I have allowed myself to be pushed beyond my comfort zone, but I keep arguing to myself, what is there to say that my comfort zone is the right one (I like to think a certain degree of life experience and maturity, but hey, in a court of one, the judge is the jury too). Christmas was a particularly badly handled, spectacularly badly handled, time by all concerned (including me), and as a consequence OH upset a slice of her own family.
The problem now is caused by some gradual erosion, and a bit like the cliffs on the south coast and elsewhere, what has eroded is much harder to put back.
Trying to be nice and tolerant seems to come at a cost.
And alpha males marking their territory can be an unpleasant site too, I don't doubt.
And MIG, you don't need longer legs, and I like your note here too - thank you. I just feel we need some space in which to create our own lives, not constantly living out the previous lives we chose to leave.
"I just feel we need somespace in which to create our own lives, not constantly living out the previous lives we chose to leave" - you've hit the nail on the head Beep and OH should surely see that.
I hope so Thursday, I hope so. But some people (OK, OK, me) hope (prefer) to live in a world where boundaries are clear and neat. Others don't. Neither is necessarily right and neither wrong. But trying to find the middle ground of compromise is proving tricky. It's a narrow path and the cliffs on either side are steep.
I would have thought that your comfort zone is the right one for you
she has her own
doesn't mean you have to live totally in each others. . . but. . .
. . .isn't there some secondary school maths ven diagram (if that's the right word) where the two should overlap? where (in relationship terms) possibly there has to be compromise on both sides for the greater good
(and to avoid damage)
in my (current) experience assertiveness has come at a harsh price - but the cost for not being assertive would have been my mental health
you both chose to make a fresh start, however - you presumably still have the time and the love and the spark to keep working at this until you get it right?
communication is the only way; and calming down time for when it gets overheated
don't you ever manage to get time without either sets of children? (Thursday is right again!)(she's so on the ball!)
a mad Scottish psychiatrist once told me "put yourself first, then your partner, then your children"
it didn't make much sense at the time (quite a few years ago now), and (sadly, in very many respects) over the last two years by doing exactly that I have ended up where I have ended up
but at least I am where I have chosen to be, rather than where someone else is putting me
I don't know if that makes any sense
or is of any help
but I guess that's the beauty of blogging
it's good to have you back
Interesting worms ILTV. Venn is one of the ones for which you were seeking. But the ones that intrigued me were the order of things: oneself, partner, kids.
For us both (oh, and in answer to your question - one night every two months or so)(but I, of course, am without mine for half of each week) the order is exactly different. Kids come first for us both. BUT, we both have certain imperatives such as work. However, for example, if we have decided to go away, and one of hers rings and says they wish to come home for the w/e, we end up cancelling our w/e away so daughter can come home for a night go out with mates, stay in bed until after lunch and then go back to uni at 3pm. Then comes ourselves, I'd say. Then everyone else, incl. our aged mothers, siblings etc etc, and for her, her ex. Then us. Very bottom of a long list.
This was the topic of, er, discussion that drove me to write my post.
As I said, interesting worms and thus food for thought. I will contemplate. Ta
I wish I could give you some constructive advice. It sounds like an utter nightmare, and that you are the only person behaving maturely (I s'pose we haven't heard the other points of view, to be fair, but it seems to me they haven't got much of a leg to stand on).
Surely her ex must realise that he can't come in and eat your pudding when you're not there? It's not just the pudding, obviously, it's the mindset which it represents. I was shocked by that. Much as I, too, hate confrontations, I would have had to phone him and say look, when we're not there, you don't come in. You just don't. It's not your house. This is common courtesy - to you and your boy in particular, as the other family members are naturally more accepting as they have the close relationship with him. Your OH mus understand this. Suggest you give your ex a key and see how she would feel?
I am, I'm afraid, not the best to comment, as I've never been in this situation. You have my sympathy and selfishly, I'm glad to say, not my empathy. Best of luck.
when I wrote mad Scottish psychiatrist, I probably didn't do the doc the best favour I could
she was very experienced, old enough to know how the world works, a mother and grandmother, objective, sympathestic and empathetic - but of the strong belief (as all mental health professionals are) that you have to put yourself first
because if you don't, noone else will
and if you put yourself first (and I'm not talking arrogance, bullying, selfishness to the destruction of others or anything negative about this) then not only do your needs get met, but you're in a better position to meet the needs of those around you (should you choose to do this - and, bizarrely, you have a choice about this) without becoming a victim
now, I am not saying you're a victim, but you don't sound very happy at the mo
turns out that my OH, who has not been putting his needs first for the duration of our marriage, has been unhappy for 14 and a half years; he never thought his needs were important, thought his "duty" was to keep everyone else happy, only noone was anyhow; he'd rather stay miserable for the rest of his life, enduring the misery of those around him, than do what it takes to make himself happy
I know it is much easier to look at others and make helpful comments, but
well, no buts; should stop rabbitting on really
hope the snow day wasn't too bad for business!
thanks CWC. The comment about maturity interested me. I don't think of myself as a person who generally behaves with much maturity, but, in this case, you may be right.
And ILTV - much to chew on there, but not here perhaps.
deeply moving to read ... i don't know what to say ...
i dream of a world where boundaries emerge organically, enlightened recognition of the cosmic spark in all ... *deep sigh* ... but really, the planet is teeming with ignorant users and diabolical misunderstanding *shudder* ...
i hate drawing lines in sand(i attract those who just have to un-draw, according to their own dogma, anyhow) but even i am tempted these days to just say "NO" to anything and everyone about everything. Comfort zones are probably meant to be challenged, but the right to choose that challenge is cosmic flipping law. *humph* - *bleh*
... you're a courageous soul!
Gosh, you;re all so nice to me. Deep thanks. I bet you wouldn't be if you heard OH's p o v though. I'm very aware that you've only hard my side of the argument (as noted by CWC).
Her view is completely (underscored twice, bold and italics) different from mine. I just find too much la la la in it for it to be realistic.
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