Dear Aunt Agony
Here's the thing. I need your well thought out advice.
My "step" daughter is 20 now, and very bright. She's not beautiful, but she is attractive, stacked and there are plenty of less pretty girls about with boyfriends. And that's what she has not got, but wants. She's very bright, witty, fun to be with and well-educated (expensively: what DO they teach them?). So, I hear you ask, magazine apart, what's the big issue?
Here's a little picture. Imagine you're bright young male thing yourself, possibly a bit whacky and artistic, but clever, musical and witty. You meet her, and she's got 'something'. You get on. So you ask her out, perhaps for a meal. Dinner is booked. A nice little Italian, or something. Maybe a tapas bar (Christ, use your own imagination, I don't know what 20 year old people do for a date). You arrive, she's on time (unlikely, but bear with it for the sake of the plot), she looks good, smells great and you clearly float her boat. Why, she even laughs with you at stuff. It's all going really well. Time to eat.
You sit, you mull, you debate, you choose, you order. You decide she's really quite special, attractive, funny, lively, interesting. You think idle thoughts about later. Your food arrives. And your evening starts to unravel like a sleeve of knitting.
It's the noise that hits your first, then you look up. She's eating with her mouth open. Not just a bit open, but wide open all the time. You've seen dogs with better manners. And the volume of the chewing, smacking noises is turning your stomach. Your food is no longer as appealing as it was.
There's more to come. Not only is her mouth open but she shovels food in as she is speaking. Most people, you reason, talk with a bit of food in their mouths, but most people also pause to reduce the volume a bit, and make an effort to hide the contents, so it's manageable. Not this babe, she just keeps on going even as she is withdrawing the fork.
You look at the zone round her pate. The warzone round her plate
Any thoughts of a snog, and more, have evaporated. And as to taking her home to meet the parents: out of the question. This relationship is over before it began.
So there's my dilemma Aunty, how do I tell an otherwise lovely girl that she's a total pig at the table and eating with her is sick making? And how do I do it without hurting her feelings, because after all, I am not even, legally, her step dad and the relationship is fragile enough? With her mum that is. She'll take it even worse.
10 comments:
Someone should tell her, blunt, point-blank, that she'll never get a boyfriend if she eats like she does. Someone should tell her mother too - and ask her mother to just compare other people's table and eating manners with her daughter's.
Hey Thursday. In normal circs you'd be right, but I am not really allowed to discuss the/her children. Sadly, mine own issue has good manners, is kind and courteous and bright and breezy. This seems to have gone down rather badly and hence any mention of manners, behaviour or anything is taken as criticism. It's not, but it is taken as such. Always.
I dared to mention two days ago that the thirteen year old getting up at 08:39 when he HAS to be in school by 08:45 after 40 minutes of nagging and shouting, and rushing straight out unwashed, un-tooth-brushed and without any breakfast was probably not a great way to start the day, and I am obviously going to pay for this indiscretion for some time to come. Shoulder and cold are good words to use in the current climate. Frigid and anger would also be appropriate.
So, I'm afraid, although you are bang on, I need another tactic. She deserves a bloke, and needs the confidence of 'having' one. If only she was slightly less of a foraging pig around food.
oh god, i feel for you ... my ex was a snorting pig with food, that was only one sign that i should have gotten out of the relationship sooner than i did.
you and your kids are in a situation for sure. yours know about niceties. the fragility of it all is clear. and scary.
ordinarily i might say "delegate" but i suspect it's more complex than that. and not just food related. there is some heavy but still-subtle power play going on here.
it's not for me to say - but i will because you don't know me and can tell me to get lost - things are very amiss all round, dear heart
alternatively, how about many thin soup starters, guaranteed to make a mess .. and no napkins? maybe a drenching or two might change the focus? mucho sloppy spag bol? any number of eternally marred and stained t-shirts could be worth it ....
forgive me if i offend - i don't mean to *wince
eeeeeew-iouuuuuuu
I can't stand the manners (or lack of) of people who eat with their mouths open. . .
my lot call me a nag when every mealtime I harp on about manners
but what to do if the kinder are not your own, it's a whole other can of worms, isn't it?
I so feel for you that you have these constant battles - or differences
part of me thinks you care too much, and should try letting it go
but that's not very helpful, I know
good luck, and be pleased that the one you care for most is as wonderful as he is
word ver: mum's-the-word
ooh! how exciting - you've got comm mod on
glad to see you're writing again
hope all is well!
In which case, drop it, not your problem - someone, somewhere, at some time will tell her and/or her mother.
You're right Thurs, it's not really my problem: I just find it so sad to see this young thing, lovely in many ways, yearning for boys to take her out, and they just don't. It's very sad, and I really want her to have a good time now. Also, frankly, she's a bit down about it, and that's sad too.
The only thing I can suggest is therefore complete and utter honesty with her along the lines of "Your mother would be horrified if she knew I was effectively pointing out that you have bad manners but I'm afraid the bottom line is that whilst you continue to eat the way you do, no bloke would want to sit opposite you at the table, never mind introduce you to his parents. Look at other people and see if they eat like you do. They don't and I've had a real battle with myself as to whether to tell you but I'm just really sorry to see such a lovely young woman without a boyfriend for a reason that can be easily solved".
Is there anyone she admires and likes who could be enlisted to make a small, jokey but pointed comment during dinner?
Like "you thinking of dying that shirt gravy coloured then?" or "is that what you're leaving for the servants".
Just to get her to notice that other people notice how she's eating.
Dear Mig, such a practical piece of advice. I do think you may have offered the solution. I will work on it....
Post a Comment